Hermione Granger and The Princely Kiss
by worrywart
Summary: When Hermione is knocked out while walking through the Ministry, we learn that only a fairy tale will help revive her. So what do Mae West, Severus, Harry, Ron, Draco, Blaise, Viktor Krum, and Neville have to do with it? A very irreverent, fun little story. Quite OOC and not canon in the least.
1. Chapter 1

Originally published at The Maple Bookshelf for TycheSong's August prompts. I chose the prompt, "A man's kiss is his signature" by Mae West.

I own nothing but the plot. The characters, with one notable exception, belong to JK Rowling.

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Chapter 1: We Begin

Hermione Granger was, without a doubt, a bookworm. At any given time, she had at least three rather thick novels she was reading. If she was not reading fiction, she was reading technical manuals and science journals as part of her work in the Potions Department at the Ministry. If work carried over to home, then she read there. The only time she was without a book in her hands was while traveling back and forth to work, eating, or sleeping. Or while having sex; never while having sex, unless it was the Kama Sutra and only then for a quick glance to pick a position. Severus was very adamant about that.

Therefore, at 7.30 on the Tuesday morning our story starts, it was very unusual for her to be hurrying through the Ministry to her office with her face stuck in a book, having no clue as to what might be in front of her. She and Severus had gone to a jumble sale at the weekend, and Hermione had found an especially interesting biography of the Muggle movie star and sexpot, Mae West. Her life story was interesting ,and her truisms gritty and delivered with chutzpah. Hermione simply could not put the book down.

Peregrine Matterspitz was new to the Ministry. Fresh from Berlin's Magische Institute, he had been recruited into the Ministry through an exchange program to foster better communication among the magical communities throughout Europe. Unfortunately, he was the undersecretary to Percy Weasley and Percy, true to his toady ways, had Peregrine running all over the Ministry completing errands that even a house elf would find beneath their dignity.

Early on Tuesday morning, Peregrine was scurrying through the Potions Department, carrying a load of boxes in front of him around which he could not see. The hallway he was hurrying through happened to be the same one Hermione was inattentively walking down with her nose in a book. She was contemplating the quote, "A man's kiss is his signature", wondering just what it might mean. Her thought process screeched to a halt when she collided with a large pile of boxes, falling backwards and hitting her head quite hard and blacking out. The boxes that fell out of Peregrine's hands landed on top of her, burying her quite effectively.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: We Find Out What Happened

"What do you mean, she won't respond to _Ennervate_; it was a simple fall. She only has a slight concussion. Surely even your basic skills include _Ennervate_? Miss Granger could perform it in her second year. You are a healer of twenty years!"

"Mr. Snape, please settle down." Healer Bransweight held her hands up in a placating manner. "We are not sure why Miss Granger will not revive. However, we do know that there is spell residue in her magical signature. Once we know what that spell is, we can counteract it."

Snape snorted, crossing his arms across his chest and standing, if possible, even taller. "Of course there is spell residue. Do you think that bush growing on her head tames itself?"

Ignoring his comment, Healer Bransweight pressed on, "We have identified several run of the mill charms on Miss Granger: a spell to tame her hair, a spell to get the soot off of her clothes after Apperating, and the remains of a…" the healer cleared her throat, "contraceptive spell." Maliciously, just to get Snape's goat, she added, "_That_ spell is not more than two hours old." She was delighted to see Snape blush slightly, and she continued, "But among those, the strongest residue is that of the unknown spell."

"Who cast the spell?" He was about to continue when a voice he worked assiduously at avoiding for the last seven years spoke.

"Professor Snape, how is she?"

"I am no longer your professor, Potter."

"Yeah, well. How is she?" Harry looked at Hermione's body as it lay swathed in hospital sheets on the bed.

"That is what I am trying to ascertain, but this buffoon," he pointed to the healer, who spluttered at being called a buffoon, "can't seem to revive her."

"Why is that?" Harry asked, looking at the healer.

"Mr. Potter, I have been unable to get Mr. Snape to realize it is not a simple matter of _Ennervate_." Bransweight glared at Snape. "Someone cast a spell on her when the accident happened. I don't know what it is. As soon as I do, I can cast the counter curse."

"Do we know who was in the area when it happened?" Harry asked.

Snape cut across the healer before she could answer. "The hall was filled with people coming to work. It could have been any number of people. The Aurors are currently questioning anyone who was in the area. They are also casting _Priori Incantatem_ on all of their wands."

"Then we should know who did it?" Harry asked hopefully.

"And hopefully, why." Snape agreed.

"Gentlemen, there is nothing else to be done here until we know the spell," Healer Bransweight said. "Why don't you go and get something to eat? Perhaps Mr. Potter could take Mr. Snape to the Auror office and see what progress has been made?" It was no secret that the healer wanted Snape out of the ward. Too many patients and staff had been taught by the formidable man, and much of the staff were cowering in supply closets at the moment. The healer wanted her staff back!

"Sure. C'mon Snape, I'll take you to Auror Headquarters and see what's going on."

As Harry and Severus traveled through the Ministry, Kingsley Shacklebolt hailed them, walking in their direction. "Severus, Harry! I was just coming for you. Come along; we've got the man who cast the spell. An accident, actually."

"What do you mean an accident?" Snape roared.

Kingsley, with his deep voice and calm delivery answered, "When you hear the story, you'll see. But how on earth we're going to bring her out of this, I've no idea." He shook his head.

The three wizards hurried along to the Aurors' office. Bursting through the door, they saw a crowd of wizards around a lone man in a chair. They turned as one when the door opened and stopped their conversation.

"Let me see him," Kingsley said, waving the Aurors away. "Severus, Harry," he gestured, "this is Peregrine Matterspritz. He is from Germany and here on the exchange program. He claims that what happened to Hermione was just an accident. I thought that perhaps you should hear his story and then, Severus, you have my permission to perform Legilimency if you wish."

"Why not now?" Snape asked.

"Because he deserves to tell the truth on his own, first." Shacklebolt raised a knowing eyebrow at Severus.

Severus growled; he wanted to just Legilimize the man and figure out how to cure his witch. "All right, go ahead."

Peregrine began, "I vas coming down da hall vit boxes for Percy. That man have me runnink all ober da place for him. It is shameful."

"Get on with it!" shouted Severus.

Peregrine jumped in his chair. "Anyvay, I vas not able to see arount da boxes and suddenly I crash into somethink. When da boxes fell, I saw da girl on da ground. Aber, in my surprise, I uttered an oath. It vas one my grossmutter taught me. I did not know it vas real!"

"What was it, and how do we counteract it?" Harry asked.

"It vas 'somnum donec princeps venit'."

"I've never heard of that," said Kingsley.

Snape answered, "More or less it means to sleep until your prince comes. What drivel," he sneered.

"So what's the counter spell?" asked Harry.

"I don't know," said Peregrine. "My grossmutter never said. She yust like the vay it sounds and used it whenffer someting awful or surprising said."

"Prince could be a reference to a Muggle deity," said Kingsley. "Muggle Christianity refers to Jesus Christ as the Prince of Peace."

"I doubt it," said Peregrine. She vas, how you say….non believer and in Deutschland, most magische folk do not practice modern religion."

"Nor here," said Severus.

Harry piped up. "Um, could the obvious reference be you, Profes-Mr. Snape? You know, your mother's maiden name and all?"

"Why would that matter? Hermione and I are a couple already, everybody knows that. If she were waiting for her 'prince' then shouldn't the spell have resolved by now?"

The men scratched their heads. Kinglsey said, "We should at least tell the healer. Perhaps there is some reference somewhere about sleeping spells and princes." With that, Peregrine was excused, and Severus, Kingsley, and Harry went to St. Mungo's.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: We Learn About Kisses

Hermione lay peacefully unaware of the consternation going on around her. For her part, she was just floating about with all the time in the world to think. However, the only thing she could think about was that quote she had read, "A man's kiss is his signature". Just what did that mean? And why couldn't she wake up. She felt the occasional pull of _'Ennervate'_, and she thought she heard a very deep voice yelling. But everything was so vague where she was, and she couldn't be sure of anything. However, kisses…why couldn't she get kisses out of her mind?

She thought about all the kisses she ever had. At the grand age of 26, she had had quite a few. She admitted to herself that she analyzed the kisses she had received over the years. She wondered if she was weird or if other women did that.

First kisses with anyone are usually the best, but your very first kiss _ever_ is pretty hard to forget. Especially when given to you by an older, famous, handsome man. Viktor's kisses were, admittedly to her young and inexperienced mind, wonderful. A few days after the Yule Ball, she and Viktor had gone for a walk around the lake. They held hands, walking closely together as it was cold. Stopping at the far end of the lake, Viktor was gallant enough to ask for a kiss, and Hermione shook her head yes. At first, it was cold flesh meeting cold flesh. Then, as Viktor started to move his lips, they began to warm up, and Hermione could really feel what was going on. His lips were thick and warm and enveloped hers. She could smell his aftershave and could taste the remains of chicken soup that he had apparently eaten for lunch. She allowed Viktor to orchestrate the kiss, and she was surprised when his tongue flicked at her lips. Not knowing what she should do, she opened her mouth a bit, and Viktor slipped his tongue into her mouth. It wasn't bad, she thought. Wet, but titillating. His tongue curled around hers pulling it into his mouth. She imitated his movements and soon, the couple were breathing quite heavily. Viktor's subconscious thrust against her hips brought a quick end to the kiss. He suggested they return to the castle before things got out of hand, and Hermione, confused at these new feelings coursing throughout her body, readily agreed.

They only shared a handful of other kisses before the TriWizard Tournament took over, and their lives were thrown into upheaval.

Her kiss with Harry was one of loneliness and desperation and led to the loss of their virginities. It was a few days before Christmas, and Ron had left them in the middle of nowhere. They had not moved in days in the hope that he would find them again. One cold night, with the Wizard wireless as their only contact with what was happening outside of the tent, Harry decided he needed to bring Hermione out of the doldrums. Christmas music was playing, and he pulled Hermione off her bed. "Come, dance with me," he said. At first, they awkwardly held hands and moved in a circle, but a fit of the giggles overcame them both, and they began to really swing along to the music. A slower song began to play, and they moved closer to each other. When the song ended, they looked at each other and moved as one into the kiss.

It was wonderful and passionate. They seemed to work together in one smooth movement of lips and tongue. Neither too wet nor too fast at first, it soon took on a life of its own. When it was over, they lay entwined on a cot, bereft of clothes and their innocence. But looking back, Hermione really could not remember just what that kiss made her feel, other than comforted.

Ron was her first true boyfriend and lover. Their kiss in the chamber was spur of the moment and quite fumbly actually. As their relationship grew, his kisses didn't get much better. He was rather sloppy. He would engulf her lips wetly and then pull back, sucking on both upper and bottom. He often used his tongue as though he would counting her teeth. She had tried to guide Ron's snogging attempts into lesser wet experiences to no avail. In the end, it didn't matter; their relationship broke down under the weight of grief and rebuilding of the new Wizarding world.

As with so many others of his ancestry, Blaise Zabini had a very thick, prominent bottom lip and Hermione adored it. Before they kissed for the first time, she dreamt of what it would be like to suck on that lip and when the dream came true, she took full advantage of it. Blaise went home from that date with a rather large love bit on his lower lip. However, he tended to taste of curry and Hermione could only take so much of its aftertaste before breaking off the kiss. After only four or five dates, things fizzled out.

She had dated Neville on and off since her break up with Ron. He was fun to pal around with, and she often sought him out when she was home on holiday from University. His kisses were shy and never assuming. He mostly pecked at her lips and never deigned venture into anything that involved tongues. Hermione never pressed either; Neville was safe and kind and would never be more than a dear friend.

Hermione suddenly had the sensation of being heaved from her soft, cloudy existence. Apparently that deep yelling voice had returned and attempted another _'Ennervate'. _Hermione was indignant about that. She was warm and cozy in her white otherworldly home and was in no hurry to leave. But what was it about kisses that seemed to important here?

Her mind drifted to one drunken party at Uni when she, on a dare from her flatmates, kissed Heather, a bright-eyed girl from Ireland. It wasn't much actually; fast and over with and not worth remembering even if she hadn't been so drunk.

Hermione never quite got over her surprise that Draco Malfoy asked her out on a few dates. The Malfoy family was tried for their participation in the war and given community service as their punishment. It seemed money still talked no matter who ran the government. Either way, Draco seemed like a good enough bloke and was making an effort to shake off his parent's rather pureblood schisms. Their dates tended to be to dinner and a club afterward for dancing. Although Draco had pushed for them to sleep together, Hermione turned him down repeatedly. The reason for this was because when Draco kissed, he seemed to always be whispering something. If she didn't know any better, it was as though he was convincing himself that kissing a Hermione was the okay thing to do. Putting up with this for only a handful of dates, she put an end to it, and they were now acquaintances.

Severus…..well, he had held a category all his own when it came to kissing. They had been in a relationship for two years now, and he was her second lover. Their relationship began quite spontaneously. They often worked together regarding potion patents and tests, fighting more often than not. During one spectacular row that had sent many department employees diving for cover, Severus, enraged that Hermione would not allow one of his patents to be tested, simply hollered out, "Do you want to go to dinner with me some night?" Gobsmacked, Hermione hollered back, "Sure!" Severus answered, "Fine; meet me at The Slug and Cabbage on Midtown at 7.00 tomorrow night!" and stomped out the door.

They kissed for the first time that night when he walked her home after dinner. Severus' lips were thin and wide. His first kiss with Hermione was, well luxurious was the only word that came to mind. His lips fit seamlessly along hers. They were warm and moist, but nowhere near the slobber level of Ron's. Severus' lips were just right for sliding along sensuously and with just enough friction to both tease and ignite her passion at the same time. He would use his teeth to snag her bottom lip gently, pulling and suckling on it and frankly, Hermione was willing to take off her lip and give it to him as long as he kept fueling her passion in that manner. When he could hear Hermione's soft responses, he would then flick his tongue out and gently slide it between hers and delicately, as though he were picking the rarest of flowers, play with her tongue. He had quite a long tongue and was able to explore her mouth, but never using it as though he were on a rescue and recovery mission. He never, ever drooled or slobbered. And that was just the first kiss.

Subsequent kisses were as equally competent and passion enflaming. In the midst of passion; however, his kisses changed. While no less in skill, they were harder, more open, a tad wetter, had a great deal more tongue involved (and that was usually dragging down her skin on its way to searing her soul), and much more passionate.

The couple enjoyed themselves both in and out of bed, and just the week before she was cursed, Severus had asked her to move with him. Neither one said the "L" word yet, but moving in felt right, and it was the first step to a long term commitment for the pair.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: We Learn The Afterlife Has Gossips

Hermione was tired of doing nothing. She wanted to get out of this airy fairy world and back to the Ministry and to her friends and mostly, to her Severus. She could sit up, but couldn't get off of the bed. With a huff of frustration, she flopped down again.

"Why all the noise, kiddo?" A sultry voice came from Hermione's left.

"Who's there?" Hermione asked, her head whipping toward the noise.

"I asked, why all the noise? You don't seem the type to get all worked up over nothing." The voice was mildly amused and getting closer.

"Who are you?" Hermione squinted to see who it was, and the shape began to define itself. A woman in a form fitting, black satin gown topped with a large, white fur boa, high heels and platinum blond hair appeared before her. The woman was voluptuous and not unlike the woman in the book Hermione had been reading just before she snapped into this ethereal place. "Oh, my God…I am dreaming! You are not Mae West!"

"Then I'd like to know whose body I am in then!"

"_I fell and bumped my head….this is all a dream,_" Hermione mumbled, pinching her arms at the same time.

"Yes, this is all a dream." Mae plumped herself down next to Hermione.

"Then why can't I wake up?"

"I don't know. I think that's why I was sent to talk to you. Something is holding you back. After all, the spell that boy cast is not serious."

"You're a witch?" Hermione gasped.

"Do you think I would have gotten away with everything I did if I hadn't been able to throw a few Obliviates around?" Mae winked.

"This is not real!"

"Not, it's not, but you can't see beyond your nose and need some help getting out. So I am here to help."

"So, what's the spell?"

"It's an old one," Mae began. "You've heard about it in Muggle fairy tales, and if I am not mistaken, your friends and lover will be figuring that out soon, as well. Basically, to wake up from this you just need to kiss your true love."

"Oh, please!" Hermione scoffed and rolled her eyes. "True love? Honestly. No one ever has a true love. They have people they love deeply, but true love?"

"All right, but what about tall, dark and handsome? You've been with him two years. My God, his eyes alone stir my blood."

Hermione smiled. "They are gorgeous, aren't they?"

"Do you love him?" Mae asked, twitching her boa in Hermione's face.

"I don't know."

"Aren't you living with him?"

"Yes. Say," Hermione said, sitting up a bit, "how do you know so much about me?"

"The afterlife is full of gossips. I get all my dirt from a wizard named Bumblebee or something like that."

"Tall guy, long beard, twinkly eyes?" Mae shook her head yes.

"Please," Hermione tutted, "he gets all his information from a very alive Headmistress, and when I get my hands on her, I will…hang on, I'm in the afterlife? Am I dead?" Hermione panicked.

Laughing, Mae put her arm around Hermione in a comforting gesture. "No, sweetie, you're not. Get a hold of yourself. You're under a spell, and you got sent to limbo. My job in the afterlife is guide all the poor dears who get hit by accidental simple spells. Be that as it may, what's holding you back?"

"I don't know. I care for Severus very much, and I feel comfortable with him. Everything we do just feels right. I never want to do anything unless I do it with him. We have a fantastic love life."

"So I've heard. You know, you should have your man get rid of that one portrait in his living room. What's his name…Finial? Fivel? Anyway, he reports _everything_ to Bumblebee."

"Everything" Hermione looked at Mae in horror.

She winked and replied, "Ev. Ree. Thing."

"Even…?"

"Especially. I hear you've worked your way nearly through the Kama Sutra. You'll beat even my record."

Hermione blushed spectacularly. "Yes, well."

"But seriously, honey, why don't you think this man is the one for you?"

"I don't know. Isn't there supposed to be a sign or something?"

"A sign?" Mae looked at Hermione curiously.

"You know, to let you know he's the one."

"There ain't so sign, honey!" Mae said, laughing.

"Then how I am supposed to know? What if one of the guys I used to date was the one?"

"If there were signs, I wouldn't have married my first husband," Mae chuckled. "If any of the other boys you dated were 'the one', why are you not still dating them?" Hermione shrugged. "Look, doll, I so happen to know that the spell cast upon you can only be broken by true love's kiss."

"How cliché."

"Hey, you go with a sure thing, you know?"

"Well, can't Severus just kiss me and wake me up then?"

"That's why you're here still. _You_ can't make up your mind; he already has."

"What?"

"Oh yes, he loves you. Madly."

"But he has never said so."

"Think about who you are talking about. The man is afraid of being rejected."

"Yes, well, let's not talk about _her._"

"You'll be happy to know that in the afterlife, she is a shrew, and James Potter is ruing the day he married her."

"No!"

"Yes!"

The pair giggled helplessly and snuggled a bit closer.

"So, how do we break the spell?"

"Well, with a little help from Bumblebee—which should be happening about now—your friends will find out about a little story that just may have the answer."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: We Learn A Simple Fairy Tale Is the Answer

When Kingsley informed Healer Bransweight of the strange spell, she admitted she knew of no counter spell. Severus tried another few _Ennervates _to no avail. Bransweight also attempted another round of _Ennervate_ and then _Ascendium, _and finally good old Muggle smelling salts. When that failed, she admitted defeat. Kingsley knew of no other spells and then had to excuse himself to attend other matters.

After a brief, yet terse, discussion with Severus and Harry, Bransweight led them to the hospital library, and the three of them searched for any books on similar spells that might lead them to the spell they needed. After an hour, the healer bid them good day and returned to her duties. Harry and Severus searched for an hour longer. Not finding anything, Severus asked Harry if he'd be willing to look at the Hogwarts library while he went to Spinner's End to see what he might have there. Harry agreed, and both men left St. Mungo's.

Severus was dismayed to find he had nothing in his collection regarding sleeping charms other than how to make potions to induce sleep, and how to revive from the Draught of Living Death. Even the volumes he had on the Prince family ancestry offered no clue to waking Hermione.

That little witch had certainly infiltrated his life, and deep inside Severus was glad she had. They were remarkable together. Working, researching, loving, even fighting together were part and parcel of his life now. He wouldn't trade it for the world. Slamming the useless book in his hands onto the table, he noticed Hermione's jumper slung over the end of the couch and shook himself out of his reverie. With new determination to bring his witch back to this world, he headed to Hogwarts.

He Apparated to the front gates and using his Headmasters' spell, opened them and slipped inside. Although he was no longer Headmaster, Minerva allowed him to continue to use, at his discretion, the wards and spells known only to previous heads. He strode through the castle, his robes billowing behind him and headed to the library.

He found Minerva and Harry pouring through tomes. "Severus!" Minerva said when she saw him sit. "I hope you don't mind; Harry told me what happened, and I thought perhaps I could help."

"Thank you, Minerva, we need all the help we can get." Turning to glare at Potter, he picked up a book and began to read. The group worked quietly, occasionally asking each other to explain terms and conditions of various spells. Even Madam Pince, in a very out of character move, came around every now and again to drop off any tome she felt might be helpful.

The trio was still at it when supper duties meant the end of Minerva's help. "Would you like to join me in the Great Hall for supper?" she asked.

Harry replied, "Sure!"

"Severus?"

"No, I think I'll keep at it. Perhaps Madam Pince would allow the house elves to bring me a sandwich and a drink?" He asked, as the librarian had just returned with another book in her arms.

Madam Pince nodded and said, "Since it is for Hermione, I will allow it just this once."

"Thank you," Severus said. A house elf was summoned, but was fearful to bring a meal to the library. It wasn't until Madam Pince gave her permission that the sandwich and tumbler of Firewhisky was delivered.

It was nearing 11.00 before Severus began to realize that his eyes would not focus anymore. Harry had returned hours earlier, although Minerva had head duties to perform and was unable to join the men as they searched.

"I don't know Professor. I don't see anything in these books." Harry ran a hand through his hair, and Severus was reminded very much of his father, James. "It's like the answer is staring us in the face, but it's so simple we can't see it."

Severus nodded. "Sometimes, when all the logical has been exhausted, the illogical must be the answer."

Harry laughed, "Watch much Star Trek as a kid?"

Severus smirked. "When I was at your mother's; she had a TV, but my parents didn't. The show was on in the afternoon after school, and we would watch it before I had to go home. But, that doesn't help our situation now."

"I know," Harry sighed. "Do you want to go check on her?"

Severus cast a Tempus charm. "It is late; visiting hours are over."

"Like you wouldn't know a way to get around that," Harry smiled.

"True."

"Severus, my boy!" A familiar voice called. Dumbledore had sidled into a portrait of Lady Lydia Linguina, the first librarian of Hogwarts. She was a bit miffed at being shoved unceremoniously out of the frame by Dumbledore, but Dumbledore was law unto himself. "Severus! I have the answer. Come here, come here!"

Harry and Severus stood up quickly and hurried over to the portrait. "What is it? Where do we need to look?" Harry asked before Severus could speak, earning himself a glare.

Dumbledore spoke, "In the Divination section. There's a book on Wizarding fairy tales. Right next to Beetle the Bard's works." The last bit Dumbledore had to shout as Harry had taken off at a run to fetch the book.

Severus raised an eyebrow, "What'd you mean fairy tales, old man?" He sneered at the portrait in front of him.

Dumbledore twinkled. "Yes, yes, the answer is as simple as a fairy tale. Oh, good Harry, you got it. Now open the book to the story of 'Natasha and The Somnolent Fairy'."

Harry opened it and scanned it. "Wait a minute….this is _Sleeping Beauty_. A Muggle fairy tale," he mocked, looking at Severus and Dumbledore.

Severus replied, "Quite a few Muggle fairy tales have their origin in Wizarding tales, but even I must admit this sound ridiculous."

"Be that as it may, it will work. Think about it; the spell young Peregrine cast was a sleeping prince spell. You need a prince to wake up the sleeping person. Severus makes the obvious choice; he is dating Hermione, and he is of the Prince line. But the caveat is that it must be true love's kiss."

Harry looked at Snape. "You do love her, don't you?"

Snape stared a long time at Harry before he answered, "Yes, I do love her. Very much."

"Then that's simple enough. We just go to the hospital, and you kiss her." Harry said excitedly.

"No, it's not that simple," Dumbledore interjected. "Hermione must be certain you are her true love, Severus."

Severus looked perplexed. "Well, she wouldn't have said she'd live with me if she didn't feel something for me."

"Professor," Harry began, "has she ever said she loved you?"

Severus thought hard. "No, she hasn't."

"Have you told her you loved her?" Dumbledore asked.

Severus hung his head. "No."

"Then we must do one other thing in order to waken her. We must find all the men she's kissed and have them kiss her-"

Severus' growl and shout of "NO!" interrupted Dumbledore. "I will not allow her to be manhandled in any way! No."

"Severus," Harry said, the use of his proper name breaking through his fury. "If you want to wake Hermione, it may be the only way. And think about it, if she wanted to be with the other men she's kissed, would she have been exclusively dating you for the past two years? Would she have said yes to living with you?"

Severus murmured. "You do have a point."

"So," Harry said to Dumbledore, "what do we need to do?"

"As I said, you will need to gather all the men she's ever kissed. Simply enough, they will need to kiss her. According to the legend, she must kiss them in the order she has dated them."

"Do we know anyone who knows whom she has kissed?" Severus asked, rather reluctantly. Harry looked around as though a he were interested in passing molecules. "Spill, Potter," Severus growled.

"Um…I do, as a matter of fact. We are very close, as you know. We've shared a lot of personal things."

Severus glared.

"No, no! Strangely enough, she was reluctant to talk about you. That's one of the reasons I suspect that you are her true love."

"Who are they Harry? We should contact them as soon as possible," Dumbledore said.

Harry thought a moment. "Viktor Krum, Ron of course, Neville, Draco, Blaise, that girl in college-"

"A girl?" Severus' eyebrow rose.

"Yes, well, she said she was dared and she was very drunk. Anyway…..um, me, and of course, you."

"YOU kissed her?" Severus was very angry now.

"It was long before you, Professor. And only the one time. Never happened again."

Severus continued to glare at Harry but said, "Okay, you owl Krum, I'll take care of Draco and Blaise. Can you contact Ron and Neville? Have them meet us at St. Mungo's at 3 p.m. tomorrow. That will give Krum time to get here. What about the girl?"

Dumbledore stated, "I shouldn't think so. It was dare and done drunkenly. I doubt she would be Hermione's true love."

Harry began to chuckle.

"What's so funny, Potter?"

"Won't Hermione be livid when she finds out that the cure to her problem came from the Divination section of the library!"

Even Severus had to laugh. He knew in more detail than he really wanted Hermione's view on Divination. "I'll leave that for you to explain to her. Just make sure I am out of the line of fire."

The men scattered to their tasks; Harry to the owlrey, Dumbledore to his usual portrait in the headmistress' office and Severus to St. Mungo's. He wanted some quiet time with his Hermione.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: We Learn A Little About Love and Happy Endings

Hermione and Mae were sitting comfortably on the bed. Mae had just finished telling Hermione about the fairy tale that could end her predicament.

"Okay love, here's what you gotta do, it's simple, really. You see, a man's kiss is his signature. Every man you kiss does it differently. No matter how many women a man kisses, he will always kiss the same. I am assuming the men they are rounding up are ones you've kissed more than once?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I'd pick them out of a line up."

"You're a bright girl, kiddo. And if I am not mistaken, you would catalogue kisses just like you catalogue potions ingredients. I am sure you've compared and contrasted?"

"Well, I don't know that I've catalogued them per se, but I have thought about them. Severus is the best, but that doesn't mean he is my true love," Hermione insisted.

"Why are you being so stubborn about this?"

"Because I don't want to make the wrong choice! Love is a commitment. Marriage is a commitment. I just want to be sure."

"I don't know how to make this any easier for you, love. I was not the best at relationships when I was your age and even younger. I married Frank, but fell out of love with him very quickly. I had strings of boyfriends. It wasn't until I was in my sixtie's that I fell in love with Paulie and felt committed. He was thirty years younger than me, and he took such good care of me. We had fun, we had fights, but we felt good together. You said that about Severus. Why not take the leap?"

"When you say you felt good together, do you mean that it felt right?"

"Yes. Okay kiddo, here they come. You tell me who they are just by the kiss."

Hermione looked doubtfully at her, but was suddenly surprised to feel lips on hers.

Outside of her dream world, seven men stood around a metal framed bed looking at a peacefully sleeping Hermione Granger. Each stood with his own thoughts about the woman that had been a part of their lives, welcomed or unwelcomed. Healer Bransweight had explained their part in her cure, and each was gobsmacked. Not that they had to kiss Hermione, but that they had to because a _fairy tale_ was the answer to reviving her. Oh, and the thought that her current lover, the formidable Severus Snape, was standing close to her looking as they he'd rip them limb from limb. The first man stepped forward.

"Well? Mae asked.

"Hmmm, spicy aftershave, said Hermione. "Viktor."

"You know he looks like-"

"Yes, yes, I know, but that's not what attracted me to Severus!" Hermione's eyes were suddenly sad.

"Are you all right?" Mae asked. "Who was that?"

"It was Harry. Oh, Harry. We lost our virginity to each other," Hermione said, wistfully.

"Never told anyone?"

"No. It would kill Ron and Ginny. Better we take it to our graves. His kiss was never more than comfort at a time when I thought I was going crazy. He is happy with his Ginny, and I am happy for him."

Hermione's face reacted as the next man kissed her. Suddenly Hermione felt the urge to wipe her lips with both hands, and did so.

Mae chucked. "Who was that?"

"Ron. Oh God, he was always so slobbery. I don't know how he thought that was sexy."

"Rudy Valentino was the same," Mae laughed heartily. "I was forever mopping up after him. I think another one is coming." She watched as Hermione's face reacted. "Who was that?"

"It was Neville. He always just pecked. Never a full on passionate snog."

"That's because he only saw you as a friend. He wanted to go further, but couldn't bring himself to."

Hermione had the sensation of a large bottom lip pressing itself against hers. "Blaise. Oh, I loved that bottom lip."

"I would too…..I think one of his ancestors is up here. Perhaps I'll look him up when we're done." She noticed a perplexed look come over Hermione. "Is this it? Do you feel like you're waking up?"

Hermione shook her head and then had the sensation of someone talking against her lips. "Draco. He always was talking to himself. I never could figure out why."

"He was gay! He was attempting to tell himself that kissing a girl was supposed to be right. He liked you, he just didn't like you that way."

"Then why did he ask me out on dates?"

"He was under pressure from his parents to conform to the so called norm. He thought that if he could feel anything for a woman, he'd be able to make a semblance of a relationship or marriage. Bit stupid really. Being gay is not a disease." Mae was quiet a moment. "Hey, where's the girl you said you kissed?"

Hermione choked. "Well, I hope they didn't get her! It was just a drunk moment and too quick."

"So you're down to one last man. If this doesn't bring you out, I am afraid you'll never recover."

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Because what if I do love him, and he doesn't love me?"

"I told you he did."

"I know, but what if he's afraid to say it because he thinks I'll reject him?"

"Honey, love doesn't come with signs and bells to announce itself as true or right. Think about what you've told me. You said that everything you do together feels right, you don't want to do anything unless you do it with him. It's when two people find each other and completely fill each other's heart. There is no jealously, there is no rancor, there is only happiness and a sense of peace. Oh, there are fights, but fights that you want to resolve and work out together. Fights that lead to the best damn making up you'll ever experience. Love is wanting to please each other with no sense of entitlement or being repaid. Waking up in the morning and realizing that the bush on your head and the grease in his hair are only a small part of what's real about how you feel about each other. It's being able to brush your teeth while he sits on the crapper. THAT is true love. And that is what will break the spell."

"Are you sure?"

"Look, it took me a lot of men to find it, but I did. I think you've found it, too. Just go for it! I believe I need to go, Hermione. Just please, let it happen; let yourself love Severus." Mae got out of bed and then leaned over and hugged Hermione, kissing her on the cheek. "Remember, a man's kiss is his signature. Severus will always kiss you the same way, and your soul will sing because of it. Don't let that thought go. See you round!"

Hermione felt a breath of warm, sweet air on her lips just moments before the pressure. "I love you Hermione, please come back to me." And then Severus' lips, which fit so perfectly with her own, were upon. In that moment, Mae was gone.

Severus felt Hermione respond and was overjoyed. He felt her arms come up and around his neck. Her lips began moving beneath his, only in words, not in kiss.

"Oh, I do Severus, I do love you!" She kissed him passionately and did so until discreet coughs interrupted the pair. Hermione blushed and Severus sat up.

Draco, true to form, spoke up. "So, Godfa, I take it you are her true love's kiss?"

"Obviously." Severus sneered at his godson.

Hermione took stock of her surroundings. "Oh, how are you all?" There was an indistinct mumble of answers. Hermione didn't really care; she just wanted to head back home with Severus and rest.

Severus took command of the situation, also wanting to get home with his witch. "Shall we head home, Hermione?"

"Yes, Severus. I'd like that very much."

Ron stood not too far away from the bed and, being totally Ron, asked, "Hey Professor, didn't you want to see her kiss that girl?"

Several groans echoed around the room.

"Severus?" Hermione asked.

"Harry told me that you kissed a girl once." In a lower tone he added, "You know we talked about a three-"

Hermione quickly spoke up, "Well, hey, gotta go, guys. Lovely to see you all again. Come along Severus."

Draco burst out laughing having heard Severus' low comment. He reached over and smacked his godfather on the back of the head and left.

Harry, having caught on to Severus' facial expression and Hermione's reaction, also left the room, smacking Severus on the way out. He whispered to Ron. Ron burst out laughing and also smacked Severus and left. Neville, not quite sure what was going, reached up to smack Severus but though the better of it.

"Goodbye all," Neville said.

Severus rubbed his head and turned to Hermione. "Um…."

Hermione smacked him one final time. "I love you, you big dummy."

"I love you too, witch." Severus scooped Hermione up into his arms and headed for the door. "Now let's get home. We need to try that Glowing Juniper again."

Hermione laughed as they spun away.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed my little, fanciful story. I had a great time writing it. I've no idea if Mae West ever dates Rudy Valentino, but the other men she mentions are real and were part of her life.

Worrywart


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